Lord of the Rings – A to Z: L

L is for Lord of the Rings. Or for the Lighter Side of LotR. Since most readers would be well aware of what LotR is, and would have read the Tolkien books and/or watched the films (if not, why not?), you don’t need me to regurgitate that for you as part of the A to Z Challenge. Hence this post is more about fun stuff in and around LotR that you may or may not have come across somewhere on the web. If you’re such a die-hard fan that you can’t stand LotR being made fun of… don’t continue reading 😉

MTV Awards 2003

In case you didn’t catch the link in my earlier not-so-serious post on Hobbits (possibly due to Gollum interfering when I was trying to write the post… he’s good at that), here’s a hilarious video of Andy Serkis (Gollum’s voice) trying to accept the MTV Award for Best Virtual Performance in 2003, except… Gollum interferes and starts to mouth off at everyone, including Peter Jackson. This was one of the hidden easter eggs on the extended editions of the DVDs.

Council of Elrond, Jack Black style

Remember the scene where the Fellowship is first formed (“you have my bow”, “and my axe”, etc.)? Here’s a different version, another easter egg from the extended DVDs, also from the MTV awards. Contains, uhm, adult humour, and is also hilarious.

The Secret Diaries of LotR

These secret diaries must have been… uhm… cut out of the movies. Here’s a taste:

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Continue reading the full transcript, it gets more intricate as more characters are introduced and you realise how they’re all cleverly interlinked. (Actually, I just noticed that link doesn’t have the full transcript, but I forgot where the “original” was….)

LotR as a Badly-run D&D Bame

Now I have to admit I’ve never played pen-and-paper Dungeons & Dragons (a friend of mine used to play, apart from that most of what I know about it is from Big Bang Theory), but reading this fictitious script, I can imagine the scene perfectly. 😀

DM: Failed your climb check, huh? You slip and plummet.
PC1: Cool!
PC2: Cool? Dude, you’re falling to your death! Now we have to finish this stupid quest without your mage.
PC1 (ignoring PC2): Can I see my sword?
DM: Err… sure!
PC1: Okay, I want to fall down and grab my sword from mid-air.
PC2: What the hell? You dropped that like two rounds ago when you failed your balance check, then you wasted another round calling me a “fool” in character.
PC1: So?
PC2: You know how far something falls in three rounds?
PC1: Okay, I cast a Stilled Silent mage hand to bring it to me, and grab it.
PC2: A whated whated what? No frikkin’ wonder you didn’t have any damned knock spells prepared!
DM (ignoring PC2): Okay, you’ve got it! Glamdring slides into your hand. You see the balrog falling below you, twisting in mid-air, wings slowing his fall.
PC1: HAH! I knew he’d be coming back. Now I got ‘im right where I want him.
PC2: Dude, you’re crazy, you can’t fight a balrog all by yourself!
PC1: I got it covered. My dice are hot tonight, unlike Mr. Critically Fail Every Damned Stealth Roll over there.
PC3 (playing a certain hobbit): Hey!
PC1: Anyways, the balrog is toast. And the XP will be all mine! (rolls dice) Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Natural 20 to start the grapple!
PC3: Frik-dang-blasted high level wizards. “No, you start at 1st level.” What a crock . . .
PC1: A critical! I hang on to him and keep hitting him on the way down. Whack! (to PC2) This is going to be MY kill, baby. All those lovely, glorious XPs for a balrog, mine alone.
DM: (rolls a critical for the balrog that would kill PC1, panics, ignores dice) It missed you! Roll to hit again.
PC1: YEAH! You’re going down, servant of Melkor!
PC2: This is stupid. I’m going to go get some Mountain Dew.

(later)

PC2: Is this debacle over yet?
PC1: Almost, man. It’s really wounded, but I’m down to my last few hit points. We beat each other up swimming for a while, then climbed a bunch of stairs, and now we’re on the top of the mountain.
PC2: Oh, brother.
DM: It hit you again for… (roll dice, cheat on result) 5 points of damage.
PC2: 5 points! It’s supposed to be a balrog!
PC1: Shut up. I’m at negative 1. Can I take one last swing?
DM: Umm, sure.
PC1: Hit! And 8 points of damage! Hoody hoo!
DM: Wow – you killed it! It falls off the cliff – 7d6 points of falling damage.
PC2, sotto voce: winnnnggggsss…. it has wings!
DM: – and collapses on the mountain below you.
PC1: Yeah! In your face, balrog! I collapse back into the snow.
DM: Roll some stabilization checks.

(roll, roll)

DM: You failed them ALL?
PC2: Hah!
PC1 (miserable): Yeah.
DM: Hey, I know! You get all the balrog’s experience points, right? So that puts you up a level, giving you more hitpoints, and you don’t die!
PC1: YES! Hahaha.. I’m unstoppable. Mage with a sword, baby! Balrog-bane!
PC2: You guys suck. I’m going home.
PC1: I’m putting all my new skill points in animal empathy, ride, and disguise (evil wizard).

 

There’s more where that came from.

Know of any more spoofs or fun things about LotR or similar books/movies? Let me know in the comments, you can never laugh enough.

About Amos M. Carpenter

Web dev by day, author by night, and generally interested in (and opinionated about) way too many things.

Posted on 14 April, 2014, in A to Z Challenge Part II, Books, Humour, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I strongly recommend you check out the webcomic DM of The Rings

  2. ah! gollum on MTV is amazing! 😀 x

  3. This is hilarious. I love Lord of the Rings, and your take on cultural influences is classic. Looking forward to reading more of your sense of humor.

    Thanks for posting. Good luck with the A to Z challenge.

    JC Gatlin, Mystery Author
    http://www.jcgatlin.com

    • Thanks, but I can’t claim the credit for this – it’s just LotR-related fun stuff I’ve found over the years (one I almost didn’t find again) that I thought other people might enjoy 🙂

      Some interesting posts on your site, I’ll have to read them in more detail when I get home from work… thanks for stopping by, and good luck to you in the challenge as well.

  4. I have played some D & D and love LotR, so I especially appreciated that section, but I hadn’t seen the other stuff either. Thanks for compiling it all!

    Michelle @ In Media Res

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